My Own Hundred Acre Woods

My Own Hundred Acre Woods

I grew up in the woods, about a mile and a half out of town. Valverdant. German for green valley. Our actual yard was the two and half acre woods. Set on a hillside in a dense grove of quaking aspen and thickets of choke cherry and service berry bushes, it was its own little forest. Beyond the willows that lined the little creek was Hoefer’s timothy meadow ... home to herds of deer and elk ... on the other side of the back fence was my real Hundred Acre Woods, even if Lodwik’s ranch stretched over a thousand acres.

When you are eight, be it two and a half acres or a thousand acres, you are Christopher Robin and know it is your very own Hundred Acres Woods. You search endlessly for Pooh and Piglet, and at first worry it was a Heffalump when you spook a deer while wandering through the scrub oak of the hilltop. After home and school, I probably spent more time in my woods than anywhere else.

All my Heffalumps turned out to be deer and elk. I never did find Piglet, came close once on Pooh ...but turned out to be more like Smokey Bear... I did meet several Owls, some ptarmigans, and the yearly parade of grouse in the sage flats. The creek was home to frogs and snakes. Trees to climb and foxes to chase, what more could a boy want?

Whenever my Hundred Acre Woods was not enough, there was the Thousand Square Miles Woods just another mile up the road - Routt National Forest - and a short walk to Fish Creek Falls. Continuing up the trail there is something past the Woods, even beyond the Forest ... if you keep going ... you will find the ... Wilderness!

I Searched the World Over and Thought I Found True Love ... TTTHHHhhhbbbpppT! ... But, You Spammed Another and !Poof! You Was Gone!!!

I Searched the World Over and Thought I Found True Love ...
TTTHHHhhhbbbpppT!
... But, You Spammed Another and !Poof! You Was Gone!!!

Dear Miss Eden,
I was so very excited upon finding your love letter in my email ... I thought it had finally happened to me, that we were about to embark on a precious internet romance just like those other couples, you know, the ones pictured in the ads for all those internet dating sites ... that soon we would posting our picture and success story about finding true love, our long sought after soulmate, and finding each other on the lonely internet.

From:	eden mkeden (misseden)
To:	© MrBill (mrbill)
Subject:	missedenmk@ymail.com
Sent:	Jan 04 2009, 06:47 PM EST
Message:	My Dearest, My name is Miss Eden Majzoub al-Khalifa. i am a female I was impressed when i saw your profile and will like to establish a long lasting relationship with you. In addition,i will like you to reply me (missedenmk@ymail.com) .This is because i don't know the possibilities of remaining in forum for a long time. please If you are interested in knowing more about me and for me to send you some pictures of mine, Thanks waiting to hear from you . With love, Miss Eden Majzoub al-Khalifa

But even before I could reply. Before I could tell you how wonderful it was that you searched, searched high and low, searched far and wide, searched the whole dang internet just so you could find me, and tell me just how much you were impressed by my profile, and that you wanted to have a long lasting forever and ever relationship with someone just like me ... I discovered that you are ...

a trollop !

a tart !!

a tease !!!

I was not your one & only! I was not your true love!! I would never be your soulmate ... I could never be those things to a two-timing four-flushing booting-licking wench that had not only emailed me her can of love spam, but had pasted the same love letter all over this online community and perhaps all over the entire interenet! You pasted it in comments. You pasted it in pings. I am sure that you pasted it in emails you sent to other guys too! For Pete's sake! you even pasted it to other women!!! (well, that part might be a little bit intriguing ...)

Well Miss Eden, the answer is !!!NO!!!

NO! I won't email a yaahoo like you!

NO! I'm not interested in a relationship, of any length, with you!

NO! I don't want you to send me any photos of you! ... umm, wait ... what kind of photos? What are you wearing in the photos?? What aren't you wearing in the photos??? OH never mind! Don't send me any dang photos!!!

Go back to the garden Miss Eden!
I seriously doubt you are Eve.
Actually, I think you're probably a snake!!!

P.S. If you happen to have been left $30 million dollars by your dearly departed husband, and your riches are now stuck in some Nigerian bank account and you need help transferring the cash ... please have your bank send a wire transfer to my numbered account in Strahan Liechtenstein and I will add you to the long list of widows and orphans who I am currently helping launder their money.

DVD Dispenser - 3rd and Final Act

By now, many of you are well aware of my recent fascination with a particular machine ... the infamous DVD Dispenser! This will be the third and final act of this play.

For those that snuck in after the lights came down and curtain went up, the infamous DVD Dispenser is a pop machine sized automated DVD movie rental venue located in my local Safeway supermarket by the DVD Play company. I have thoroughly enjoyed the slick operation and convenience of said dispenser.

However, today I had to face the music, along with a new and less than pleasant transaction with the DVD Dispenser. I do accept full responsiblity for the actions that predisposed me to the unenjoyable interaction with my beloved DVD Dispenser. I had previously rented two movies. The movie rental period is until midnight the following day. I watched only one of the movies the night that I rented them. I watched the second movie early the next evening, fully intending to hop in the truck, drive to town, and return the movies well before midnight.

The Road to Bali (and to Rome and Rio and ...) was paved with all kinds of good intentions. As some may know, it was colder than a ...well you know... here last night. So I stayed in my sweater and warmth of my loft in front of the roaring fire ... instead of venturing out into the frigid night to return movies, and instead wrote an article about Stock Show Weather. By my missing the pumpkin hour, when I arrived this afternoon to slip the DVD cases in their automated home, I incurred the bane of movie renters everywhere -- the dreaded late charge!

Unlike other movie rental venues, the DVD Dispenser is utterly non-discriminatory and it's clock is rather reliable, and I know that I am late returning these movies. I know I deserve the late charge and with bowed head and red face accept my punishment (sir, may I have another). But I also know that on time returns have been properly credited and future returns will be logged in promptly. Not like Blockbuster or the local video library, where oftentimes the pre-occupied teenage clerks are too busy dissin' friends, parents and teachers or playing grab-ass to check-in the movies correctly. Too many has been the time that at other rental shops I have sauntered up to the counter to rent a flick only to be asked, "are you ever gonna return such and such movie?" HUH!?!?! brought that back a week ago! Further queries to their database reveals that the movie is still checked out to me, but it was also rented to Dick & Jane last night... Anyways, slick delivery and prompt returns gets the Academy's nod for the DVD Dispenser! Plus the DVD Dispenser doesn't call it "late charge" it prefers the kinder gentler term "Extra Night's Rental".

Epilogue:

Movie rental - $1.00
Extra Night rental - $0.99
Getting to stay home in the warmth of the fire = Priceless!

Morale of the story - Best to brave the bitter cold and darkness of night if you want to avoid the Extra Night Rental Fee boondoggle!